Departing.

Ya know what? I hate this feeling...

Everytime I have to leave my family for a new semester I always feel this sunken, darkness inside of me. I don't like being away from them but I know it's important that I am separated so I can develop and learn and grow...away from home.


I leave for Philly tomorrow. I still need an assignment book and a journal and of COURSE a camera. :( I should have it by the end of this month.


Today at church Elder Kevin spoke about setting a solid foundation in the January so that you have a precedent or a pattern set for the rest of the year. As he was speaking I felt a resonating "Epic FAIL" pounding through my head. I really wish I didn't suck half the time. I really want to make sure that I am taking the time to learn lessons and grow in Christ and be the best loving person I can be towards God and His [crazy] people. I want to get my prideful self (Yes, that's an issue with the flesh. Forgive me if you've NEVER suffered with it. It usually preceeds a fall.) out of the way and be filled with only GOd so that He is all I want. Is that so much to ask? For my rebellious, self-centered, conceited, approval-seeking, idiotic, *&@#$! flesh, the answer is a resounding HECK YEA.

I am getting into the habit of setting goals, reading the Bible and praying more (goal= for every thought to myself say a prayer to God. Let's see how that goes.), and grasping the concept of "future". The child part of me is being cooked off by the frying pan of life, and soon they'll only be the meat of me left; the adult simmering on the pan, but nicely crusted. That was an awful metaphor. My point however is that I am losing the part of myself that could blame my decisions and lifestyle choices on "being young". I will be 20 this year and quite frankly I believe that if anyone tells me that I made a wrong decision because my unforseeing, undiscerning, immature, childish, behind couldn't help it, I think I'm gonna puke, call myself awful names, pray, and then cry.

It's time to move. And I have already resolved that I don't want to move UP like every other commercial, consumerist, capitalist bastard out there who wants to "make it in this world". I want to be deeper than that, but I also want to relate to people. I want to move across, through, around, within, up, down, and then bring people back UP with me. Life is too short to move too much, but it's also too deep to only move in one direction.

These thoughts always come to me when I am leaving my family.

with love,
Chimene